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BUT I don't want to talk about ... >>>>>...need my angel of sub C...... .>>>  have had enuf of this world .. if you can do this >>>...>>.... as  wot I call fight to win... .. puhlease  feel free.... & I bequeath to you NEURO B......  you try with brain on fire... thru all of hell that went b4....& so to be here in this world is NUTTIN BUT A MIRACLE>>> TO ME>>>>

> & to guy who this day.>>> who I did not know>>> .... say "you are beautiful>>> where do you stay>>???"....>>> .....fot bit cheeky... was he... tho  nice to hear.>>a compliment..... but  not his business>>>  where  do stay is sacrosanct...>>> anyway am soon to be moving out & moving on>>>.... 

for now nite nite.. ..xx  BRAIN TIRED....

____________________

..after run...... thursday....

was shortest eva... cos pain in head... IS THERE>>>> called the shots... & my ear>>> which is also brain... just registers reflects from EAR>>>......  BUT GOT enceph the hell of migrating pain that affects running... ... moves with head... MY POOR SWOLLEN OVER HEATED TRAUMA BRAIN... help me puhlease.. my own GOD... what did I ever do to deserve...>>>>>>. >>> is also wot call BOXERS BRAIN... battered... hammered ... ... by borrelia ... babesia... BRING IT ON... is HELL ...... then say... of same>>>>>just  F---Off... leave alone... >>>.  BUT not as severe as days b4 >>. when neuroB attacked constant... & I had no ability to fight back... BECAUSE KNOW WHAT>>>??/ your immune system does not police the brain... in theory nuttin of BUG... should penetrate... the BBB>>>>... unless system overwhelmed as mine.... under attack way too long.... until 100% destroyed...

 so is ok..  this nite... >>>  can cope....>>>>>but just don't feel that hot >>>when got...>>>> so running... nope not... >>> BUT THEN AGAIN>>>>  is nuttin as compar... to way once was... except it HAUNTS..   >>>>>but fact is there..>>>>  & when call a  parasite you might laugh... is wot it is...  & antiBX... are on the KILL>>> is reason do need hospital...

&... I WOULD NEVER HURT A FLY... >>

those who know me would verify...>>>   but some did not think twice at hurting me... at start... when so very sick believe... as DUMMY DOLLY>>>>  & TRY>> AS MIGHT... I DON'T KNOW WHY...

 am strong... fiesty...>>> but HAVE BIGGEST HEART SO FULL OF LOVE THAT YOU WILL EVER FIND....>>>>>

 IS TRUE... stand firm against all evil... done to others... >>>am best & most loyal friend you will ever have... >>>>AS YOU & YOU & YOU... >>> if  were hurt by any other... I WOULD  BAT FOR YOU...>>> >>> is PERSON I AM>>> THE VERY BEST TO HAVE AS FRIEND...>>>>.>>>>   is question of integrity....is what my own GOD  does TEACH>>>>>. &  want to get better so very much so DO ALL OF EVERY THAT HE ASKS>>>   >>> never ever instigate >>>violence of  any sort... but when very sick & had no memory...  some did hurt me TOTALLY...>>>>  with NO ONE TO PROTECT..y'see>>>  was easy target compre...>> BUT WHY??? .was criminal>>>> unless so thick ...so dense... that do not know right from wrong... cos all of friends & family in medicine.. tell me WAS WRONG... THERE IS NO DEFENCE...>>>>>  so last THURSDAY brot this back >>. in totality...>>>>  for a while memory did not file >>> intrinSIC  blown apart.. so could not recall wot was wot... ... EMOTIONS HAVE HAD TO RELEARN...>>>  THAT IS WHY ALL DOES OVERWHELM...  as HIGHS & LOWS......... >>>   I recall with clarity... the horrific pain inflicted when venF or canula flushed  with water ...   two did do... >>> is all will say... all the others  used saline... always... >>>>> ofcourse SHOULD BE SALINE......>>> & many times had to say... (you bring water again)..  no apology....... did think would neva remember... BUT I DO>>>>>>> but way b4 did KNOW THE CAUSE PAIN WAS OFF THE RICHTER SCALE... & when venF newly planted in arm... VEIN WOULD SPASM... SEVERE>>> ... the pain is that of hitting area HARD WITH HAMMER... & reverberates for time thereafter.. >>>>>chain reaction... released... as  explosion of red blood cells ...... as ricochet >>>>>> like bullet smashing thru vein>>>>>> WATER is agony>>>process of osmosis  >>>...... vein shuts  down in spasm... oh I cried with pain of same >>  this was done many times  b4 realized wot was being done as WRONG...   >>now legacy is ALL needles affect profoundly..  & hna did try to sort >> wrote open letter to all>> draw attention to what should never do>>>>   did not want to single out... >>>  as one day cried in her arms.. help me puhelase... cannot go on..

..>> >>>>  & why last thurs ... as recall... all of added hurt... did manifest... as return... AM STILL HAUNTED BY AGAIN... IN MY DREAMS OF SUB C IS THERE.... >>> hurt heaped on hurt ...>>so much so when JLL did dressing change NEXT DAY... ... was terrified>>> could see  line migrate... DON't WANT venF you see... >>>>>>even tho is as necessary >>>for short time... >>> PPD did say would have me in his theatre next day... only need one as  plant>>. he do new piccLINE instant return...... .... but even that is frot... as diary states... 2nd piccLINE lasted but 2 days....>>>>  failed almost instantly... was OCTOBER TWO YEARS BACK... A DAY THAT  BROKE MY HEART... & own doc RDA was there... also upset compre... he could not plant venF for me...  normally so good...>>>> so skilled >>>> came in next morn his day off.. to plant venF then... after 3 attempts...>>> would not put me thru no more...>>>  &&  dmd... still remembers with clarity the very hell of that self same day... >> & he also return on his day off... to see... & say are you OK... Lizzie... >>>   same day AGAIN<<< >>>>... piccLine removed... by docGrG... oh the memory is there...>>> OF ALL>>>> will probably never fade away... but that is good.. cos if had memory strong...  venF with WATER could not have happened... >>> MEMORY IS PROTECTION...>> without it you are vulnerable...

& so only of a few days back... as giving bloods ...... helps much when say .....  just a little scratch... >>>even tho is not... does help soothe anxiety... in Lizzie... >>...>>>but such a rush this time... >>> words 4got... just straight in>>>>  blood got... done... complete... perhaps ... speed was reason compre>>> no time to think about... ... >>  >>>>  NEVER USED TO BE LIKE THIS... UNTIL GOT SICK WITH NeuroB NEED TO STOP FEELING FREAKED....>>>> ..

oh my OWN GOD..>>>stay close to me... >>>>>>> & give me 5 to brush my teeth.. after do take resin paste...>>nullify all signs of stress ... from antibX & BUGS....>>>>>  then another story still to share... with diary... but maybe too late... this nite.... will see...>>>  5 more minutes compre...>>. then atleast if nuttin else as sigh  WILL BRING YOU LULLABY...

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THURS >>>later.. still>>> so pik is new...>>>gift to diary... clipped from images... as always...as work is done... >>> now need to run... short time... am tired... as in brain... >>>>  TOTAL EXHAUSTED OF A DAY...

b4 dark as total... is only way can cope/// when got endorFs in body... for all hell levelled at... as 1234 & more...... did turn on power epic of last...>>> . when power there cannot believe...>> is awesome >>> do know am alien...>>>. but does not always stay... >>> am hammered way too much with drug & bug in brain... & body>>>>   BUT  ASK >>>> TAKE MY HAND BECAUSE>.. >>>this night  SO MUCH PAIN...  call own surJ... did not WANT >>>> as dredges up all of past... BECAUSE IT DOES>>>... but Jntt did answer... >>>that was good... to hear her voice... it does not traumatize...    request  TT... >>>  HAVE TO BE BRAVE & TAKE... coz.. WILL BE AS BULLET TO BRAIN....  ..

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later thurs...  oh my heart...

 after last week of same day as 4 >>... >>>  memory unfolds... >>> of hell from  dummy dolly ... >days.>>  >>>that did think had stopped .. completely....>>>  >>> >

 everyone so good... so kind ...  >>>>   but all of last day 4  has thrown off track... infact was off the wire...... >>> DID NOT WANT TO GO  BACK TO HOSPITAL EVER... WHEN SOMEONE HURTS AS TOTALLY>>>>>>   had  REBUILT TRUST........ >>> & BANG is gone... completely >>>>>>>>  was back from all of hell from dummy dolly days...... doing good... in positive way>>>...>>>>>>>  >>but this day>>> >as walk thru door took all of strength>>>>>>

  xndna was there >.. is nicest person... >>>>  & fifi too>>>  both know that I would never ever hurt a fly... just pretend... can stand alone... WHEN feeling scared & CANNOT go on>>>>>> cos takes time to build back from total demolition job>>>>  which was of last thursday... >> .. >> so was hdu.2 day... had arranged time with dmd of yest b4 did leave... to suit both I & staff... always aim to do that... if poss..... & rgbSr... say>>> be wee bit longer of a day >>>... I reply... is... OK... .. say am fine ... don't worry...  watch TV chill out ....compre... .>>>    so xndna..>>>does bring mug which say... >> "Just when was getting used to yest/day... along came today"  & makes me smile...>> inwardly am still in turmoil about......the hell from past >>>>..  thot would neva remember same... but do...  NOW>>..  so  trust has gone....>>  is enuf to fight neuroB>>>don't need added grief...please believe......>> so this little bear on mug with duvet up to eyes as traumatized... >> seemed as me... this day anyway>>>..>>> >> . >>>   .. but none  know wot lived b4.....>>> only few people responsible for....>>> some things were so very terrible... ...

& today K7 did come set free.. >>>& she & I do talk of days when she looked after>>>> near on every ...>>> for first few weeks... is why do say is one of those deep in my heart from the very very start......>>> she recalls>>> as now do I...>>> day she said >>> "Liz where were you>>> monday....?? ...  was waiting with IV.. >>> & you not show...>>>"  she did not know>>>>>> that cef stopped >>>>> ceased to be after only 6 weeks >>>deemed no more  necessary>>> as in needed compre... >> but so wrong... >>>>got sick as quick....>>>  & oh i did know was still so very ill... >>>   was back again A&E  just five days later...  neuro B... ferociously on kill..

cos you cannot see sick brain... can be 4gotten of a day wot is wrong.... not as arm or leg... as visible>>>

so  allow & forgive me puhlease... >>>  if get upset... don't mean to cry... or get uptight... is my poor overheated traumatized brain....>>> NO NEED TO FEEL SORRY FOR... I will fight on what is more>>>... all I ask is please don't hurt... >>>cos my brain is so on fire... from all of bugs & drugs...>>>& for all of upset this has brot.. >>>hate to cry cos MAKES IT WORSE... so has not cooled from last day 4... when cried for nearly all of day... & more>>>

... & last week was so bad... ...>that try as might cannot get my head around.>>> WHY>>? >>>> >>>>>>>

>>so>. this day simply BE HAPPY FOR ELAs>> she seem so unwell>> & her family away as mine...so I comprehend fine... her isolate... >>> &  why I was  concerned for >>>  in her ward  of later day... she did talk to me... of many things... >>> >>>.. >>>>>>>  >> will come back later... diary...

just say as always...>> hand touch take... x 

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THURS>>> good morn... wake.. early with pain>> is there... always>> so it seems... write neuro >>>>> need TT>>

but last nite... nuttin left to give again..>>> brain so TIRED... INSTANT SLEEP>>> 1..2..3.... you're SLEEPIN NOW LIZZIE>>> AS OUTTA OF IT>>>>  deep unconscious... spent much time with BRUTUS..>>> name of he>>ANGEL... of suB C... >> worked brain too hard...>>>AGAIN>>>>>   as MUSIC world >>> intensifies...>>>>>... AM WRITING...COMPOSING... >> PLAYING>>>>ARRANGING... ALL THINGS TECH...>>> IS  WHAT I LOVE...>>> while all around my world crumbles in a kind of debris...>>> am so very locked down alone... does scare me to think about... SO DON'T>>>>>>>  REASON am denied much of my world... & all friends have forgotten about...>>pcp family live own life>>> want their freedom.... >> suppose... because>>>> no longer ask if can come away with >> stay with>>> go with>>>>all do go leave me alone... do I CARE...>>> YES>>> OFCOURSE IT HURTS>>>> so... for days & days... they stay... to party... have fun... or woteva all of normal do.....>>>> all I KNOW FOR SURE >>> I DON'T... tho >>>>thot to go AWAY ALONE... just me...>>>> where no one can find.... do my own cef... take little tiny iv pump... bound to be such... that works... i think i source & buy for me... as PURCHASE FREEDOM>> NOW LIZZIE... & my own clips... disposable...  >> that can simply bin when away... I KNOW IS NOT GREEN TO DO... but is no other way... cos piccline needs sterility>>>> & so am denied other loves... as running... FREE uninhibited... >>> ditto water...to be within as mermaid... as teacher once was a part of world..  not now>>>... <>>> disallowed....>>>>   cannot dive from high>>>> only high I do ... is walk & balance as on wire>>>... >>focus with own clarity on staying strong...... >>>  alone  pay price for doc who got it wrong....>>> still it hurts when eva see ..>>>... so>>> close my eyes...  walk other way... if ever meet inadvertently>>> of a day>>>>>>  OH HE CAN SEE WHAT HE DO>>>  SEE IT IN HIS EYES IS TRUE....... did sentence me to hell>>> ...& ULTIMATELY WOULD HAVE DIED>>.HAD I NOT FOT TENACIOUSLY FOR LIFE..>.....  but then>>> he is not strong as I... cos can never say ... "Lizzie I am so sorry"  that takes epic strength compre.. >>>  & he is not as strong as me...

 must say diary>>>>tatu to all in world of fitness...>>> THESE GIRLS AMAZE... >>> they keep me focused...>>>> when come work with>>>>>   AS at hosp with MY ELLA....   keep my head & heart together... >>>>as share... & CcrS who is colleague... did say>>> "Lizzie>>>> WHAT IS THIS SONG"...as he observed...... as I teach... >>>>  demo all of fitness >>>>>  mine to KNOW...>...  as ...  as 7things... >>>   >>>   is song from another world>>>>  lyric lines profound.....wheneva hear intrinsic mem kix in>>>...... & recall is all... as why>>> where... >>> here>>> there>>>> >>>>music is a language... of the soul>>> that some cannot compre...... of your inner being... yet some do say with frown... >>>turn that noise down...>> what>>>!?!?!? is neither noise nor loud...>>>> response impart>>>  from sum one.... who has got no heart..>>>>>>> ...>>>...

& ELLA have gone to see but everyday...at hospital>>> she is part of me>>> this girl... I love... her face lights up visibly every time she does see Lizzie... DITTO ME... so as arrive... b4 walk inside.. meet docGrG.. he leaves.. as I go... our paths cross ...>> we say hello>>>>>then  in office... of hosp>>> is  dmd>>frYV...& Sn...>>>>>>> sadly told is strangeways... not my fav place... is more isolate for me>>>  >> so  >>>>>> focus only staying strong... so in my head... REPEAT AS QUOTE... I LOVE MY DOCTORS & MY NURSES>>>>>  & 1st did go see my girl>>> ELLA>>>>  dmd  say >>> thats OK... when turned up at strangeways.... mixing cef for me ... y'see>>>> we talk generally...>>> >>>  is part of my world... as unconditional >>> & Sn too>>> ... so glad to see this girl>>>>> .>>& then frYv does always say my name... & I hers... WE GOT THIS INSTANT REPARTE... is cool ...& always is so good to see. to be... to hear.. & I relate so strong to she.... & wotelse this day..?? TrA... she does give 2 pieces of cake... on return ... do suppose...no one like but I ofcourse.....>>> ME??? >>  NEED ENERGY..EXTREME>>> .THIS DAY... HAVE GIVEN TONS TO WORK & MORE... as physical>>> AS emotional>>> my brain... takes on all of strain... plus much neuroB  pain...

 >>>& my own Sn  am worried for... has hurt her knee >>>.. ... did find this out... later...  when GO SEEK...>> at end of IV yest DAY>>>> when ask.. WILL  someone puhlease  come SET ME FREE... respectfully>>> fell asleep>>>y'see.. iv alarmed >> but none do hear... so faraway >>>this ward... I call strangeways... but fot was morn... my alarm cloCK... WHAT... am at hosp... had 4 got>>> >>>>  > but this day dmd>>> returns... & does make me smile... as he does sing>>> "puhlease release me >>>>>>">> per se>>>>so I recipro next few lines..>>>>>>>.then say to own Sn >>is your turn..>>> & she too shy>>> says... "a know my limitations"......  but laughs more>>..>>then so  do I >>>>> as  repeat...>>> her line >>> so fine>>>>>>>>PUHLEASE RELEASE ME MY DARLING LET ME GO>>>>

 & THEN AGAIN>>> stop at office as do exit... end of cef another day>>>>> >>> to arrange next ..>>time next day... .. what  mutual suits... all are busy... absorbed in talk>>  >>>... dcAh..hna.. sn >>> dmd & he 2morro  say has day off compre.. but helps me sort>>> completely>>> advance as always... matters in my situation..... ...>>>  so will aim 11... >>>give an hour b4 all of ella... clock strikes 12...>>> & spell>>> will break... as cinders...>>> as long as>>>>> is not my heart >>>again>>... as last day 4... day of hell was ..>> still does haunt ..tho now in  past... but sad to say... is another intrinS memory........ >>>SO B4 I go>>>>think of touch another way... is the way to relay.. all of passion ... >>>> TOUCH IS LOVE>>>> if you fall as deeply>>>>but way too personal>>>to convey>>>>> & this diary... is not x rated....>>>... I got nobody...anyway>>> but CAN SAY... hands>>> touch>>>take... & that matters more... than all of gold... to me>>>>>> who needs more... if got a heart>>>>>so y'KNOW WHAT AM GONNA SAY????  all of diamonds...>>uh huh>>>>mmmmmMMM>>> kind as gifted naomi campbell.... that she call dirty pebbles in a bag...>> but waited up all nite for...  is fact>>>>> she creases me up>>>>>  OH SHE DOES MAKE ME SMILE...AS LAUGH>>>> as say bring it on ANYTIME...cos she could never be as me... be total happy with all of FREE... x

Oh...
I just wanted you to comfort me
When I called you late last night you see
I was fallin' into love
Yes, I was crashin' into love
Oh of all the words you sang to me
About life, the truth and being free, yeah
You sang to me, oh how you sang to me

Girl, I live off how you make me feel
So I question all this being real
'Cause I'm not afraid to love
For the first time I'm not afraid of love

Oh, this day seems made for you and me
And you showed me what life needs to be
Yeah, you sang to me, oh you sang to me

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Wednesday.... good morn....>>> & pik is new for you of work I do..  on SBQ>>>> 

translates as sleeping beauty queen as fairy story... written true... locked down in time for 100 years...  as I>>>>>>& why my brain so very tired >>>>recovery & repair exhausts this alien totally>>> when write or work with music... is so demanding of my brain... as my body now rewires same>>>  all connections now re route... am certain that is understood>>>  my wonderful creative brain is there in all entirety.....>>>>  but price paid for all of hell... >>>is overwhelming tiredness if do too much... & ofcourse.. daily is flooded with cef & other drugs... to hammer... to kill all bugs..... actuality parasites..>>> they live off I...>>>>>   so ... suppose... make look easy is not... >>> to fight on...>>>>but after hell have lived b4... to me is doddle my compar...>>> >>>> if I could take you back for DAY.... of what you call 24   hrs  ... you would  be so  shocked compre... to see all of hell endured>>>> &  ask my own GOD..>>> where was he... or BRUTUS or ANYBODY....my friends... my doctors... my pcp family...  had nobody>>>>  should be used to being alone... should I NOT... perhaps I am ... is reason am STRONG... >>>>  & all this hell was necessary to make me this person am today...  composer of highest calibre...>>>>>who amazes all in every way....  but to me... am just as always...as say my name>>>>> is that of  Lizzie Lane... 

&&& of last... with that kiss>>> you never thot much about all your senses>>>>   gifted given... by your own God.. he of heaven....>>>>UNTIL... >> you found this my diary>>>  that GooGle take  far & wide... in this world there is no doubt..>>> is phenomenal success... >>> from girl who has been very ill>>>  kept all of back log diary for book>> don't get chanz to edit...  cos my brain gets way too tired... to work & work... impossible... will not allow it calls the shots>>>    so diary of year of neuro B...>>> would find it really tuff y'see... too complete... for now..>>>>> but they as GooGle got copies too... >>>>  & got this feeling will be done either way if gift to they my permit ditto will be sot for script... or book... or film or more... who knows... what this little diary has in store... & can be musical>>> cos as do say... have written score...>>>> ...GOD GIFTED GENIUS....    as said... ...>>

say my name>>>>   this girl is writer composer... Lizzie Lane......    better go am late... fitness waits this day... my precious cef is later...

PS>>>& yest... .  busy busy office.. as HNA on telephone... >> doc dcAh... & many more..... but did breathe deep & greet all with smile>>>  ... & say good morning everyone... & my own K7 she  smile & say... Lizzie >>> today is hdu...>>> & dmd be with you shortly... & I say to she.... >>> thankyou...   am so grateful she see me... is hard to stand there & wait... less all should see the need in me>>> sssssshhhhh  am just a teeny weeny bit scared... less should fall as other day... when was so high... from this wire... & the strength did take >>> to climb high again... was epic.... asked  much of this alien....>>>>.... cos few will know what takes from me to be walk thru door but every... day... as alone... not knowing where my strength will come from...  to face again another day.... >>>& many of a morn see... tatu to all for being there.......  & of diary.... DO YOU REALIZE YOU GIVE TO ME THE WILL & WANT TO FIGHT.. BUT better go or I be late...... as ask of you..... hands touch take...>>>> bye bye.>>>> OH>>>>>.OK>>>OK>>>>>  kiss... is yours.. as lips to lips..x

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neuro diary  

n /p10e/p20>> 24/7 6/906 >> pain less.. but still so very tired.. is brain .. & is to do with ear pain...  brain. wants to KNOW NUTTIN... hate this feeling... >>>> will just have to sleep.. give  what it wants..... so if am not at hosp... AM SLEEPING>>  would sleep at hosp if they would allow... if someone would watch my cef... & do for me.. is own fault... make all seem EASY... is hard..... oh help... when say am haunted by... is not a lie is fact.

n /p50e/p50>> 25/7 7/907   wake pain... slept pain... not anyfin as bad as once was... but is still there & am in midst of.... I need TT... but am so not wanting overload... of yet more pain... 

& all of side effects from other drugs have got in check ...

so SHOULD I TAKE to blow borrelia out the sky???  sounds easy... but IT DOES THE SAME TO ME.... am the INNOCENT HOST OF THIS MONSTER BUG>>>

n /p100e/p200>> 26/7 1/908  woke with much pain.. neuro thru night... disturbed... but NUTTIN AS BAD  ...... as WHAT LIVED b4 CEF.. this morn earPain >>> just done orals... & now go for cef... no wonder my life falls apart>>>>> ear pain blows concentration .. >>. don't want to take TT as skin is threatening to rash when  run... but concede  need... organism on full attack... is no doubt... AM FIGHTING BACK..

n /p30e/p10>> 27/7 2/909  pain less.. SO >>>>>slept & slept... & want more... & everythingelse can just>>>> JUST>>>>>  JUST

. went out & stayed out all alone... late... then early...    I don't know what to do... but keep building my own strength... >>>.. but still this is hell.. & yest was from that same place.. & could write & write but what good does it do...wont change nuttin..  

n /p10e/p10>> 28/7 3/910  pain.. there...doing drugs as always but not TT... I FIGHT BACK....  ALWAYS

n /p10 e/p0>> 29/7 4/911  wake tired... little neuro pain... altho more was present during nite.EARpain..  

yest retired GP was here... as at my gate ...timed by FATE... as did leave... upset me great... but try not to let it show... but could see it all in his eyes... >> & mine reflects as same>>> is no game...this is not a dream.. is REAL

n /p200 e/p50>> 30/7 5/912   pain severe of last... all can say.. but very stressed of yest day..

better go... will be the same today IF DON'T TAKE CARE OF ME ... oh Lizzie... you poor baby...HELP ME PUHLEASE...

n /p10 e/p10>> 31/7 6/913  less pain.. but is still there... needs TT... suppose...& medic care...  too SCARED TO TAKE TT>>...or go see doc... compre... & not going anywhere near own medic place... even tho suffered much this week.. less have another epic wait... that not got ability to take or do wait... as long time........ & all do know is the case... am on max... with all of SAME>>... strait J>>> &  lock down... necessary to keep me there or anywhere...whisper REASON >>>913......

YESTERDAY>>> So sleep was grabbed as heaven sent......  BRAIN.. REPAIR.... comprehend..

n /p100 e/p100>> 1/8 7/914   pain... ... got to go... but loads of endorfs in body.. to fight pain... NEED TT STILL>>>. DID RUN INSTEAD>>> TURN IT ON>>> SO AS TO SPEAK>>>

... this morn... is now AFTERNOON... am late... am going... date with fate... WITH CEF... >>ESSESNTIAL... IT IS... x bye

n /p100 e/p10>> 2/8 1/915  neuro pain.. increases with drugs always..

n /p50 e/p100>> 3/8 2/916 .. still got pain.. & earpain real bad after drugs.. I NEED TO TAKE TT... but am concerned for me... all these drugs... potency... but as say..>> nuttin as bad as way used to be...   & yes was asked today... HOW LONG... it take to go away... well can stop tomorrow be dead COULD SAY... but don't... cos mean well suppose>>> but it upsets.. & it happened hospital... again WARD 4...  make me FEEL LOW.... is bad enuf fighting all alone... without negativity from others... mean I aint got sumfin a cuipL of paracet will take away..  honest... it is not the brightest thing to say to someone fighting brain infection... & that is hard to take..>>>> 

n /p50 e/p20>> 4/8 3/917  & hangover misery too... cef induced... cos just let drug go in too fast... HAD TO ESCAPE NOISE FROM HAMMERING THRU WALL>>> adding to my pain thru all>>> & person saying all wrong things... STRANGEWAYS...

wrong place to be of a day.....

 oh hell... have survived... but this morn... not funny...DRINK WATER LIZZIE NOW...

n /p50 e/p10>> 5/8 4/918  still not taken TT... but pain less...  coa am recovered  from bad headache...

did NOT DO FAST CEF.. OF YEST...  WAS TEMPTED>> to escape strangeways...> BUT AM NOT SUFFERING FOR THINGS OTHERS SAY >>>as pressure me to fast escape>>  headache so different from neuro Pain... OR EAR... which also comes from BRAIN... compre...

n /p50 e/p50>> 6/8 5/919  still got pain... can't get drugs... am late... need to go diary neuro later...

n /p100 e/p20>> 7/8 6/920>>. much neuro after cef yest... some this morn... earpain...also... still need to take TT>>> am gonna be sure CAN FIGHT first.... & still aint got script... for drugs ah need>>> the girls in loco pharmacy>>> hope to get this day for me...  better go... OR WILL BE SHUT...& will run out of my drugs...

 n /p50 e/p50>> 8/8 7/921 STILL GOT PAIN... OK... its gonna have to be TT.. cos am done with pain... totally... BUT sometimes the effect of this is so bad... has made me scared...is down to many dying bugs... toxins released to brain... & called herx.. so my Prof once said>>>  as doing dying would be easier... so just have to SLEEP... as drugged.. an evil reminder of wot once was... as lived...always when the volume of infection so high b4 cef & other drugs... really did want to die then... NOW DON'T>>> I WANT TO LIVE... 2 b free... had enuf captivity ...

time was not here... hospital time again compre...

 n /p500e/p50>> 9/8 1/922 severe neuro of night... on TT... as expected INCREASES... but this MORN NO PAIN...HAVE  taken all of drugs again... pain is there... more subtle than was all thru night...  best go hosp for cef... I think... let war begin again... but may be am thru the worst of it for now.... HOPE SO>>> want it gone for good...>>> go shower.. then hosp>>>.bye bye

 n /p300e/p10>> 10/8 2/923  pain increased as thru the night... mainly neuro... ear was silent... but this morn neuro bad... on intro of yet more drugs...  tired of all.. but must go on... as on & on... alone do try to stay as strong... & got this little car for hosp for sure thot last nite > did go run... took to mountains all alone... thot that it would break down... ...is wee bit dodgy by compar to one thats mine... will do me fine.. for just one day... as long don't go  far away from base>>>  hosp essential  for own independence sake>>>>   cos let be said ah don't do BUS....   be sure of fact would rather RUN>>>... 

 need more TT... as SCRIPT>>> but gonna stop soon y'see.. ..>>> only take few days of same... so totally... less my brain... goes ON FIRE... am done with all>>> don't fall off this wire girl .. GO NOW Lizzie pray all is well at HOSPITAL...

 n /p50e/p10>> 11/8 3/924  off TT... had to take care.. side effects don't manifest... BUT SURELY TT KILLED LOTS OF BUGS... >>>> pain there on wakening but not severe... much easier... 

 better go am late y'know... come back to diary later.. 

 ... shower NOW LIZZIE 

 n /p0e/p50>> 12/8 4/925  wake no neoro pain.. BUT EAR... IS REAL BAD TODAY... MAKING ME ILL AS JUST LIKE A PILL>>>>  hell it is.. but still not as bad as once it was... can cope>>BUT ONLY JUST>>>> it SCARES>>. is still on attack... even tho AM FIGHTING BACK... WITH ALL I HAVE>>..

 but had much pain neuro>> late of yest.. after cef... settled.wee while later on... allowed run>>>>>

.. later yet again...  bad>>> after orals... GOT NO  TT>>> had NO blood test done for weeks...  either>>>  but own doc should know... but maybe not... maybe also he has forgot..>>>>>> .world goes on and on and on... fight alone... only me to keep me strong..... remem all got to do... sometimes want to say.. HELP ME PUHLEASE  so very lonely... NEED SUPPORT... more of...>>> in this fight... but then as say... yest day... fine when arrive.. pain attack from drug on bug...materializes>>>  post cef..ALWAYS>>> for now>>>> . as said>>> as happens when levels high of bug in brain...>>>I ASSUME>>> COS  HOW DO I KOW FOR SURE... what this evil do>>>>

needing killed with more TT... but simply expected to take the strain >> the pain... & go away... come back & fight another day... IS JUST LIZZIE>>>>   open eyes.. see...am real>>>  but always alone...>>>> be better for me... if was total weak compre... not strong>>>>coz then they see as need more care... >>> instead most can forget>>> why am there... of a day>>> is just day out to Lizzie>>> 

& STILL aint got RESIN PASTE... to nullify all of toxins in my blood>>  out of STOCK SUPPLIER FAULT...  company who make drugs.

 n /p200e/p200>> 13/8 5/926>>> oh hell wot a mess am in... the eve of destruction is here again...  tomorrow means nuttin to no one but me.... all about fight with neuroB... as fight to win.. as reinforce.. not about separate...  divorce... the opposite ofcourse...   am shattered... my world yest was hell... for  izzi fit apology to own GOD....  but as priority... am sorry>>> he say there is no need... he loves me totally...>>> 

 n /p200e/p1000>> 14/8 6/927> 21/31  earpain horrifically severe... much worse than ever been... not near enuf TT had effect did silence as battered to kill>>> but all goes forth & multiplies when drug efficiency drops in brain.. I THINK SOME HAVE EVOLVED TO TAKE THE STRAIN OF CEF,, & AZITH... & NEON... YES... but CANNOT TAKE THE POTENCY INCREASE OF TT... but then neither can I......  MUST TO SAVE MY LIFE....

 n /p200e/p200>> 15/8 7/928 earpain down on yest... but still long way from settled... neuro same...  side effects manifest... need to keep levels pro biotics hi.... REASON>>.lo>>. not been eating near enuf... had fix of choc... yest... made me sleep better... serotonin.... is ALLOWED... today YOGURT need to buy more of.... & EAT TO PROTECT as necessary... & MY PICCLINE  ANYFIN BUT FINE...  GOLDILOX WITHOUT THE BEARS... >>as WHO CARES>>. nobody actually... cos they cannot see... or feel wot it do to me>>>>   THE HEAT IS DRIVING CRAZY>>> .. plastic stuck to arm eternally>>> then tubi sleeve holds tight compre>> in all this heat... wot can I do>>> pulsates so hot... am tired of... but NEED... &  make  look easy... SAY TO NO ONE.... MANY DO NOT REALIZIE GOT A LINE TO MY HEART...  think a got SORE ARM ALWAYS>> from FITNESS DO SUPPOSE... be a terrible reflection on wot I do... if that were indeed the truth... but IS NOT... IS WOT I GOT AS NEED TO FEED>>> TO STAY IN FIGHT>>> as REINFORCE...

 n /p300e/p400>> 16/8 1/929  what can say... pain still there... am devastated...  breathing attack.. or migraine  had same again yesterday... better go... shower... for >>> ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE..

 n /p300e/p500>> 17/8 2/930... bad... ill ... feel as hell... NO SLEEP AGAIN AT ALL>>>> tears ps yest...migraine preV... own sis... own bruv... many many fone calls of others... I scream... & do not answer... but some imust take as necessary... sort all 1234... & more... there are those wont take no... don't take those calls is true... but all is getting to me.. wot good does do.. when hurt as yest... cos some hurt me as totally.. & don't know how this can be... whem am but an angel... A SAINT... & would be better as wild child... but am not... am way to GOOD  cos all i want is to be better... & if in doubt got enuf going on.. piccLine & all of drug.. can you not see...this day am ill with all..is not my fault.... ...>> cannot take anymore....

 n /p500e/p200>> 18/8 3/931  still much pain.. differing ratios... WANT IT GONE... sleep affected bad.... .. since day last week.....  so am TIRED>>> as diary... >> this morn...help got to teach... earPain  is THERE>>. last night neuro all does scare.. want it gone.. need PEACE FROM SAME.. TO REST MY BRAIN...

for RECORD NORMALLY I SLEEP REAL GOOD..

.n /p300e/p300>> 19/8 4/932   still got pain... doing much mundane >>> as need...letters. etc.. sorting all of 1234>>  most is done... but some goes on... as bills unpaid.... must sort...  slept better... own sub C powerful  but had to be to smother pain... better go.. shower... cef...  back later... diary....

n /p600e/p100>> 20/8 5/933  so the pain just changes... .. occasionally does fade away but always back attack is there... I fight... yest day hosp... did lie down bed watch TV ward 2 will do>>>all was good>>... had dmd on drug also.. does take my mind off all concerns.... so.some of talk  while he works is total absa drivel... but funny>>  & that is good meds>> is it not>>> what I need >>>no talk of neuroB...

n /p800e/p300>> 21/8 6/934  neuro bad... just getting worse... is disaster... this bite is not a bite.. again thot it was cos manifests AFTER run for first time.. but is because veins are hot as blood courses thru at speed when volume carried with feed picks up.   day of mega upset >>> so distrot>>> & following day  did dubL dose could not remem if had taken drug but thot had not... SO all was fine till began to get little spot as bite on leg but this little tiny fleck is how vein inflame start.... & did not manifest till tried to run.... did not say to my own doc..... cos NEVA THOT MUCH ABOUT>>> had some antiHistamine ...began to take as oral>> again.... now all is finito as TT>>> am on my own as totally>>>     cos BITE as still did think would not settle>> as more tired got with effects of drugs.. & culminate yest/day with leg a mess same as time b4... ..>> like migraine I always forget how symptoms manifest.. & so ice did settle temp the fire... but back full on as soon as try to run... does terrify... so stopped my orals... had TOO... but oh my GOD... am so ill this morn could not wake up... PAIN IN HEAD>>>  could not do diary for therapy sake... so very very pale..as pain does do>>>    when very sick b4 diagnose was not just pale but GREY... because was TOXINS MEANT WAS  BEING POISONED>>>>  & last night late earPain wake me in the night combined with neuro>>> I  NEED MY DRUGS... but fall to sleep again because simple reason so very very tired... so am gonna try & run this morn see if can hold my own..  if inflammation stays settled >>then will take my oral drugs again... not risking bugs on multiply & scared they learn how to fight against the strength of anitBix if don't keep high my fix in blood of same..... this is vicious tuff & full on game that only very strongest can  sustain... but this morn could cry with pain... can feel bullet lodges deep in my brain... reason bugs are on attack... & need full spectrum of drugs to fight back...  AND AM THINKING MAY NOT HAVE DUBL DOSED AT ALL>> JUST THOT>>> COULD BE THAT NOT ENUF FOOD I DO EAT TO PROTECT MY BODY FROM DRUG ABSORB >>> cos also HAD MEGA UPSET >>> WHEN COULD NOT EAT DID TERRIFY WOULD GET cDIF... >>>>  so THEN DRUG DOES THIS... as IRRITATE VEINS...  when not enuf food in GUT TO PROTECT DOES RENDER BODY SUSCEPT TO SIDE EFFECTS >>  other thing I do suspect am also under attack from virus... unrelated  manifest>>> my immune system fights to protect but cannot do so easiest..>>>> a sneeze from another is all it takes... then I incubate infection...  all cos I get so upset... NOW AM IN A TOTAL MESS>>> LIZZIE TRY TO REST >>> I DO>>>

n /p1000e/p DITTO   >> 22/8 7/935   >>>>>>been hell & back... one missed day of drug per se as enforced of side effects. as manifest... in leg... still not settled 100% but NEED DRUGS... in brain to kill all bugs as dead>>> NOW AM DISTROT YOU SEE... thot would manage so much better... hold my own>>>   BUT STILL THIS CANNOT BE... MUST BE THIS THING THEY CALL BABESIA... as cheryl cole does fight a similar called malaria...  enceph this morn pain ice cold... does move with own sweet head... & have enuf as i can take SHOULD JUST STAY IN BED... but I got to try & fight  ALONE>>>  tho I can see...  SO VERY FEW CAN compre..... MOST CANNOT grasp  MY PERSONALITY>>>> IS WAY DIF FROM THAT OF THEIRS..... so therefore in their mixed up minds...... am the one who is but weird not they... when really thats absurd.... so don't expect me to conform to be as you or you or you...  is absolute impossible YOU SEE AM FROM ANOTHER WORLD...

n /p1000e/p 2000   >> 23/8 1/936 pain so bad of yest.. still there this morn... severity bad has built this week... since stopping drug 24 with vein enflame.. brot upon not enuf food... brot upon cos 2 upset.. in vicious circle ... & miss my own pcp family when sis here from italy. . had anni yest is sis to me.. worked on her pc compre.  was acting up. The only thing thats saving grace am MUCH BETTER than days b4 cef.. THAT IS OBVIOUS.. none of other great manifests endured are there.. thank GOD OR WOULD BE DESPAIR>> AS TOTAL.. . .. cos bugs are killed on attack as they fight back with antiBx in my sys... in my brain.. but are vicious angry total strong as fight for their life>> suspect is reason for greater pain.. BUT HOW AM I TO KNOW.. get scared they begin to resist drugs. all i know for sure they HURT.>>  today as same bullet lodged in brain again

.n /p700e/p 700   >> 24/8 2/937   fight on... pain there... is an intermittent constant... am SO TIRED.... is brain... needs rewired I THINK

.n /p700e/p 700   >> 25/8 3/938  would say is same as yest... the ratio number.... so  goes on... & I fight on...but still there.. neuro pain... ear pain... does scare.. but side effects always threaten manifest... so is TT not even remote possibility for now... I doubt... till all does settle down...

.n /p1000e/p 800   >> 26/8 4/939  very ill all thru night temp was up>> BUT THIS morn AM FINE...feel much better than was  ... must've have had a virus...>>>  cos own immune sys is a mess...   ... REASON FOR ...24/7 is always same... just try hard to stay on wire... stay focused... to be honest am tired...... but reason is am in a relentless constant fight for life.... 

& am not that strong... can confide...   I AM doing all as asked  .... >>... but puhlease will you understand the need in me.. am strong as outwardly... in my heart all sensitivity.... this will not change am writer... will always be aware of everything  & to say... is best way... believe.. am rarity....  require script TT last time did see... forget as always...... might be scared too take... but at some point soon... imust>>>  f am ever to get better... got no choice... & if take the pain of same... then WILL be pain free... for time.>>>>

.n /p800e/p 500   >> 27/8 5/940  all I should've said to she who hurt me terribly swear ward... that hits spot as fiesty strong...  of you know what... but I was NOT>>>> going  down to level of what she want to do to me...>>> that when she opened up pandoras box...  I could see from her eyes... she knew exactly wot she do... was  unbelievable.. but true>>>. even say to she  >>>>>...do you hear the way you talk to me... & own GOD arranged for lady I did now know>>> who was there... to hear everything... cos otherwise am left as past >>> as told is difficult situ to be sure...>> when only me>>>   but nope is not.. I never lie... why would i want to bring on pain as bad as that of yest day...  when I got to FIGHT every day as same... till day comes am better & no longer need... is wot I hope & pray...  as say... as quote many times b4... love my nurses & my doctors... without same care from unison  of many>> would be very dead... hope make sense my diary...

.n /p600e/p 100   >> 28/8 6/941  slept... deep.. profound...  but still got pain... but attacks... BUT I AM STILL FIGHTING BACK.... will do cef... later.. this day.... am going to try >>>catch up on tons & tons of neglect first... I need... .. & sort... cos will be moving house... or so it seems... unless miracle intervenes...>>>> I just go with own GOD...>> is time to change world totally... been way too ill b4 to do.... my world was a lie compre...SHUT DOWN TOTALLY BY NEURO B>>>> was not mine at all>>>   as brain so sick... DID NOT EVEN KNOW WHO I WAS...own  I D GONE>>>>>> why now it matters very much.

.n /p0 e/p 0   >> 29/8 7/942 .  NO PAIN... can you believe... SLEPT SO GOOD... & perhaps is just a BLIP... I don't care... IS AMAZING FEELING... ALL PAIN IS GONE...>>>> IS THIS YOUR NORMAL/..?????????.. BRING IT ON.... had b4 windows of... I need 2 months in succession >> OF NO PAIN... with immune sys up of killer cells... THEN I WILL BE >>>>>>BETTER FROM THIS EVIL NEURO B...  cos pain means BUGS  ACTIVELY ON ATTACK... & DRUGS ARE NEEDED TO HIT BACK... 

n/p50 e/p100 30/8 1/943  some pain wakening... did have pain later yest... but not bad... wont diary...  pay attention have not taken TT this time but kept on course  with all other drugs... this morn tho is not pleasant... neruo there >>> wish was  gone like yest...  suspect  need TT... but as skin keeps threatening to rash... don't want to make things worse.. is probably all of upset of past week playing havoc with immune sys... LET ALL SETTLE THEN SEE IF CAN TAKE COURSE OF TT.

.n/p100 e/p200 31/8 2/944  OH THE TIREDNESS FROM MY BRAIN... OF LAST AS I KNOW MY BODY FIGHTS HARD TO REWIRE ... TO REBUILD SAME.... CAN FEEL THIS BELIEVE ME>>>>> IS LIKE CUTTING THRU DENSE UNDERGROWTH... ALLOWING LIZZIE TO AWAKE... AS SBQ>>> IT STILL GOES ON AS MY OWN SONG... BUT PAIN IS THERE WHEN AWAKE THIS MORN>>>>.. but just get on with things as is my norm>>> ... am used to SUPPOSE>>>> much higher level than this from all of all that went b4>>>>> when own doctors of then did not listen.. did not see.... all of why<<>>>. as I die b4 his eyes.... I wonder if they are haunted by the memory>>>> as I> what is sad is pain does mean this parasite still attacks... it lives for free on me.. protected totally by my  immunity... that is the legacy they bequeathed >>>  has been a living hell.. am aware of everyday.. is there... but cef thank OWN GOD is on the case.. as other drugs... all I SAY IS FIGHT LIZZIE FIGHT... STAY STRONG... climb on wire... balance high... ......>     GO do CEF

.n/p300 e/p500 1/9 3/945  ear pain bad..  infact both...  still I fight... no wonder am tired...  surrounded by dox of yest at hosp compre..>>> none can wave wand make me better... if could would am sure...>>>. as docGrG...  say to me>>>> do you mind...if come in & search for sumfin have lost ???>>> ofcourse.. nope not... feel free do say...

...>>>  now intrinSic mem is on the day... when he  was with...& SpA  & DmD >> as all did care.. & try to save my piccLine...  >>... only 2 days old was gone...... & now docGrG does know>>> am  sure>>> how strong...Lizzie has got to be... to fight on compre>>...>>>  & yest  with dmd... did fight as always... & is another that does know the strength it takes is total.>>> NO WONDER THIS MORN AM TIRED... & got to GO BE FITNESS QUEEN... then climb on wire begin again...>>> another epic fight.. ANOTHER DAY IN PARADISE>>>> as translates... fight to win....

.AS>>>. cef... translates to >> HAMMER BUGs.  >>>but sadly all BUGS  hammer me..>>. & cef HAMMERS BACK... as ditto as necessary>>>   //

.n/p500 e/p1000 2/9 4/946  still this evil attacks. & what distresses is I recognize.. >> has been part of me forever & the windows of pain free NORMAL  that once did have... were bliss but TT induced>>> only normal ever.   no compromise this drug is necessary part of regime.. German doctor so right in what now say... THIS DOC WAS SICK YOU SEE>>> AS I>>> WITH NEURO B... & ON CONSTANT CEF TO STAY ALIVE>>>... & OTHER DRUGS FOR CO INFECTS... did THINK WAS NEVER GOING TO KILL THE EVIL THAT FED & LIVED ON HE... but DID WITH TT... HE DISCOVERED THE AFFINITY FLAGYL DID HAVE AS CARRIER TOO UP THE STAKES ON THE BBB>>>> ... POTENCY >>> EFFICACY...>>> that equals ability to kill... when TT is in the brain>>>> parasites cannot coil up & hide behind their protein sleeve..or shell>>>. they are stunned to open...& shot down...BUT CREATES A HELL>>>> A WAR ZONE....>>>> have not  taken TT for months... because the effect unleashed  so strong....   So fifi of fab pharm is obtaining azith for me... & other illusive sugar FREE glue... the stuff that purifies is true... but never have I had for months... fingers crossed this time will have... then am thinking call my practice get TT soonest...  cos cannot wait another day.. >>> way too long this time on own...>>>but then all see me fight on... see the strength... leave alone... oh if only they were half aware of what they ask & expect of me..... its only Lizzie... she can DO ANYTHING ALONE.. even watch my own IV... every single day... make sure all goes problem free.. unlike early days when time & time again had to call for nurse to sort.. now this is very rare .... is true... coz they got me to highest level... hugely knowledgeable.... simple ... I got the intelligence to be neuro surgeon true....>>>>  & NOW>>>>

 maybe should request to see someone soonest... as doc to  say >>>>HELP ME PUHLEASE...>>>  but on flip side... I would rather fight alone than cry... than bring back memories of the neglect... the times I asked.... & none could see >>>>> when asked for help that never came... UNTIL WAY WAY WAY TOO LATE>>>>>. all of now... as say>>> is down to neglect>>> reason why am in this mess...   wots a world destroyed do say.... is acceptable... per se.... & tho I accept is fact was fate >>>>NOW I  GOT TO FACE... THIS FIGHT...  STAY HIGH ON WIRE.....>>> AS ALONE....  & MUST TAKE TT >>> IS ONLY WAY>>>>>>> WOULD YOU????  OH>>>my own GOD> IF YOU WERE I... YOU WOULD WANT TO CRY>>>  

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