LizzieLane Musician
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Welcome
to my World
SMILE
STAY HAPPY
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all copyrights reserved Lizzie Lane
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Wednesday...10th march..
suffered brain tiredness of last...sleep just crashes in...>>> must've wrote diary sleepin'>>>> had enceph too... but this morn all is OK..& yet sky was heavy with stars>>> spellbound...>>>>don't you realize we all see same heavens.. & nobody can explain WHAT those heavens are..>>.. so if you got doubt about higher power...>>> look out on a night as last amazing disP... where every star is sun in anotha solar sys... no beginning has no end... >>>> & as minister of parish did continue proF converS on destiny V fate of monday last...>>> & had dicT print out saying both are same... BUT THEY ARE NOT... >>> is for anotha diary >>> this morn my mind is on other things... need go work ...>> hosp later>>> & yest was HnA & was so glad to see...do love her...>> knows Lizzie so very well.. >> was very low... >> does sense & neva pushes... allows... knows this is gonna happen......... >>> this feeling has been with so much... >> does concern coz how can channel energy to getting better when own emotion does affect...... && you ask for exP of 15/25>> SHOULD BE READING MORE of diary..... but for you.. is simple....> Sn was 1st nurse eva do cefTriaX IV......1/1 actual date 14 of 1st...& so every 14th became more & more sifNif>>> compounded when 3rd PiccPlant still with Lizzie of this day was done on 14 of 11th.. >>>> now IS fast approaching 16/26 as 14th is Sunday... day 7.... be sure there are others & I'd give all those stars from night time if could...>> instead was advice on travel city lay out for SpA when going to diF hosP>>> & she did say to Lizzie... "would never have thought of" but is easy for me knowing >>> would've gone with if could..>>... from almost day 1 is another deep in heart... >>>cannot remem when first did come into my world......>>> maybe mem will reT>> was not first day of cef... >>> soon after...>>>she means much to my heart.... & that kind of love is built on solid foundation of TRUST...
& be sure... do love you..>>>> hands... take... touch ... wrap fingers... _________________
Tuesday late
late.. so you are loving Lizzie for bringing lulla of last... >>> & will not be minding having more of same... coz am so tired... but this song is so beautiful... & got some enceph... so need to be sleeping.... as do say cuddle up tight.. say nite nite.. And I hope you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy and happiness
And I...
WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU... x _________________ Tuesday morn... have just woke up & still so very tired..>>>
tho slept good..>>> simple need much more... of a morn don't want to do much .. but go back to sleep....>>>>got no choice.. really want & need someone to look after me... be heaven it would... ... am so done out with all but always tell myself.. things will get better just to hold on & keep fighting... but somedays think is imposs..>>> or NOT poss... & anni made me hide tears of deVas lastN when did say lovingly...she'd been thinkin' bout how many times that Lizzie went to doc in agony of earPain >>>>> for years... crying... >>>>praying pleading for help & always came back same way suffering...>>>> it was so terrible to watch & does haunt her now.. >>>>> & love her for not being afraid to say... in remembering ..>>> & wishing she had gone fight for Lizzie... & battered on doc surJ door >>>>"YOU ARE MISSING SOMETHING"..... I love so many who are playing even the smallest part in keeping me focused of lastnight all of the girls @ work...@ class>>> & ssssh the boys too ofcourse are so good........ all care... but NO>>> WONT GIVE UP >>> WONT GO... even if do feel are days when AM in way at hosp ... is so very very hard to carry on...>>> & was my own little joke.. >>>>as def of day patient...IS... one who gets in the way...>>>> BUT IS SO NOT TRUE... cause am aware of all of love from so many... of medics... friends... family... that to give up & go would be unthinkable... on a day as today... I FIGHT... cos now they are NOT MISSING SOMETHING.... THEY GOT IT...
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Monday late
lulla
& come back to diary EVEN THO SO VERY TIRED... under VIRAL ATTACK... can you believe.>>heart racing of a morn... no wonder was frantic when did run early.. felt total despair.... my weakened immune sys has been under assault for weeks now..is doing me in... is having huge effect on emotion... BUT because so many are true & love reading... do want to write I do care that you care.....it is as surreal & continuing to build ... growing rapidly this WWW.. am thinkin is on capacity & then does take off again... >>> with estate Agent earlier part of day... saying their www hits for houses were good...>> but are actually fraction of Lizzies... tho she does not comPre this...>>> is such a nice nice person... did know Lizzie... & in end had to be honest & say... (AM SORRY ... I KNOW should KNOW but need HELP???) >>>"you don't know me?" was response... >>> SHE KNEW I DID... or should....>>>so embarrassed & felt real bad... had to exP had brain infection... & what it had done to memory... >>> she could see in my eyes how much have suffered...>>> as she said her christian name & memory filed back.. >>>>>>> & afraid the many houses did see>>>> were so not for me... & so early of a day was hosp.. & BMA was real good>>> & sweet & kind... >>> did caringly come into hdu & switch on TV for Lizzie>>> put arms round & give me little cuddle.. & that meant so much..>> & keeps me strong.. when am thinking I cannot go on... & was my darling Sn doing IV...... & she was my valentine at 25 of 14th on cef.. >>>told her so...>>> & last I saw did give her all of my own heart with gift of hearts... for her love & care from day ONE... >>> SigNif & now is also DATE OF 3rd & record breaking PICCPLANT...>>> all of what 16/26 is about... .... oh how that first venF hurt...for all was fogged with DDD...>> dopey dummy dolly>> &> the bioCon refusin to work <>>> glad when planting was over even tho was own doc>> KNOW WHAT? never did comPre that he was best then... instead was thinkin'
WILL ALWAYS LOVE
YOU... x.... .. ______________ Monday STILL EARLY... but am frantic.. have been high.. mountains...>>> with own God.. nuttin is helping...
& have still to go hosp & it is monday & i dont like>> & rgnJ is off... & past few days has had everythin ready to GO.. & that just made me love her so much... ... I WANT DAYS THAT ARE MINE... THAT ARE NORMAL ... WITH SOMEONE i will love... & got two choices... give in... & die... or fight on & PRAY THAT OWN GOD IS LISTENING...
My
wandering soul…. found solace at last, she's losing control... is coming down FAST... the heart that I stole am not giving back >>> ______________ early morn 8th.. march.. miss you is fact..>>> i probably shouldn't say this...
but there are times I get so SCARED.. good morn.. >> .. .. silicone chip inside of head is switched to overload...>> cusp of crazy with all of anxiety ...>>>...>> & now someone did care about & love much is gone..... has died..>> was fine.. there was nuttin wrong >>>.. & its got me thinkin about own God & what kind of way he is working...>>>... then late late of last other pcp sis M did call & then couldn't sleep...>>> got dif view point from laney... ...>>>> house in metroP which had forgotten about >>>that now has been brot into things..>>> & my neurons are under assault.....>>> AH DON'T KNOW who to listen too......>>> so cried much of a nite..... so how can i concentrate on getting better >>> so am reading some mail to help me THRU... & say TATU FOR LOVE you SEND...>>> ...... >>>> this morning can only stay in moment am at... BECAUSE when don't have you in my world am in free fall.... & am not supposed to tell you this... would get row about... cos in your world everythin' must be shut down tight... KNOW WHAT??? if am in trub don't care......>> only i do... but how can it be wrong to say what is truth.. & what my own GOD expects... .. FACT is diary grows..& love grows... as IVANA hair.. YOU ARE WITH IN THOUSANDS of a day..>>> shouldn't be ALONE... but am the only one with neuroB or so it seems... SO the story of Lizzie Lane should be film>> Lizzie is composer genius & musical score is written... all is just waiting to be scripted...>>> & if I WAS BETTA WOULD BE ON THE CASE NOW.. all are reading diary>>> so easy to compre & see... BECAUSE is FULL OF EMOTION... >>> part of my brain healing ... been wiped for years & years of feelings...... now just want to live...... want to know all of life...all of love...>>> impatient to be better... to know normal... & another FACT is >>> am now aware that can carry IMAGE >>> from deep in own heart of last time did see...>>> does not make sense when all other photo recall is gone...... am thinkin some things are so proFo on mem that they lock...... ..>> & THAT IS GOOD IS IT NOT... ...is it beginning process of rebuilding emotion...?? >>> everything in my own heart way too powerful for this alien to compre.... >>> >>> what I say is SIMPLE... & if you read diary daily as many DO... then meaning ..you know
... hands>>> take >>>touch>>> wrap fingers... YOU GOT.. ___________ late late SUNDAY lulla 7th... so I want to scream & plead don't LEAVE .. does feel that you no longer love...
am sorry but can't help it ...>> know that is so not TRUE...>> because when love is strong...>>> never does go in an instant...used to think there was only fine line between love & hate... BUT THAT IS WRONG... THERE IS HUGE GULF...> ... so laney will be gone... only a few days... & others too... HAVE got way too close HAVE I NOT..... >>> & the price am paying....>>>>... is terrible when left behind.. as always am......... .. >> is hell.. & face much of that.. .>>>but you don't know this...>>> unless you read diary I suppose..>>.. do feel afraid & abandoned.. DON't YOU SEE>>>& anyway unless it is MUSIC is imposs to convey depth of emotional pain... is worse than physical.. & that is saying sumfin in my case wif all of neuro B... there is no one in my world >> am alone & iso...unless go out for 5 & should be working on my music as promised my own God... but my heart is hurting way too much for that...>>. the time will come when am gonna be able to write .. for now have so much on my mind... ah think it will explode with all of anxiety>>>> & not so long ago numbers did comfort greatly & I NEEDED so much..>>
but now don't seem to notice or they are just not there... & makes me
so very sad... probably a comBo of both..>>> for a while did think
this part of my brain did comPen for loss of photo recall... BUT NOW ALL SEEMS
TO BE AFFECTED & I FRET that my memory is
slipping... >>>>>> Why does my heart go on beating (need little scope)
Why do
these eyes of mine cry (need little tissue)
& KNOW WHAT I DO SAY by recipro??? Affirmative ... of DITTO but ofCOURSE... xxx ____________________ later march 7th don't know how am managing... but somehow everyone seems to think am fine.. even @ hosp..
all medics see & don't comPre... >>> & today was rgnJ & I really adore her...>>.. >> but I hide the heartache from... >>>some of us LAUGH... some of us CRY.... I've been hanging on to somethin... you keep laughing AWE INSPIRING..... cos rgnJ did say she thot Lizzie was fine of yest..... & wrote that in notes... ..>>> all will believe am OK is good do suppose..... & might manage to convince myself with own little white lies.....BEING HONEST mostly I JUST DON'T SEE the point to carrying on..>>>> ... coz everyfin is way too hard & there must be an easier route... . & there are those I miss so very much.. everyone is giving me SPACE... suppose I need it... but I NEED THEM TOO... its catch 22...>>>so some will never read this diary >>> will never know they are part of the who Lizzie is missing equation>>>> & music does say it all for me... from the heart... >>> & just as have given those in my world acronyms... some have music that have come to associate with... WHEN I SEE THEM I ACTUALLY HEAR WITHIN MY HEAD... some have more than one song of associate...... & that means its random what music takes them into my own conscious thots....>>>> with my own mother there were many but probably those she sang to me are the most powerful associate... >>> with others it can simply be the lyrics that do it...so you got eternal flame on an mp3 do suppose... & is one of such songs with profound lyrics... >>> is emotional..>>> & my emotions are under heavy assault of relearn..>>>... but is simple>>> when YOU SAY MY NAME it does matter to me..... >>to be AS ILL AS LIZZIE>>then IT's THE LITTLEST things that become the SWEETEST... say my name sunshines thru the rain... my whole life so lonely then you come & ease the pain... I don't want to lose this feeling... & saddest thing... is tho I miss so very much & never convey... never say>>> never show...>>> its crazy because that is what this world of yours is like... what it expects... & is foreign to me... coz this alien is not afraid of love... but others are... most of this world are.. when as past few days my world falls apart further ... & never see... because am supposed to be strong am I NOT...... & cope... if you could see inside my heart it is so shattered>>>>> so bad that now AH DON'T THINK ITS POSSIBLE TO FIX..>>>. .... & is why I check it every day that am in hdu with little scope & I don't have one of my own...>>>> COZ IT REASSURES...>>> when I HEAR it BEATING SOMEHOW JUST FILLS ME WITH FIGHT... with LOVE...>>>> I WANT TO PROTECT IT... I WANT TO GO ON... DON'T LET ME GIVE UP>>>> DON'T want to meet St Pete>>>>... AM JUST WAKENING UP TO THIS WORLD OF YOURS... & maybe one day it will be MINE TOO...
HANDS TAKE TOUCH WRAP FINGERS... YOU GOT... YES.... this heart that you stole... no need to give back... EVER... __________________ march 7th just you say my name
& sunshines thru the rain... . .. going hosp after have taken all of orals etc...... & hosp times will change more than have already do suppose as am gonna have to restructure all of days... no choice... everyfin will def be changin... my world is about to be turned total upside down inside out.. & that is saying sumfin... COZ KNOW WHAT??? ITS topsyT.. already.. >>> but now is RIGHT TIME to do more...you got 2 stay close.. puhlease. x ________________________ _______________________________________
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Little Manhattan... Love grows
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n/p60 e/p30 1/1 5/713 >>> wake some neuro... INCREASES AFTER DRUGS/// ARE BUGS FIGHTING BACK WITH MORE TENACITY EACH CYCLE... ARE THEY STRONGER... I AM THINKIN THIS... neuro Pain & earPain after CEF>>>...WAR ZONE/// & nausea>>> ... BUT DID NOT SAY TO ANYONE.. just pretended to be OK when leaving hosp... & did tease cV with water Pistol... n/p100 e/p50 >> 2/1 6/714 still on TT... still total warzone... GOT TO REMAIN ON IT.... am thinking have not had pain free days since mid November & there was only 3... am also thinking these bugs are more tenacious,. CAN YOU IMAGINE HOW TIRED I FEEL FIGHTING. altho pain is nothing as what I suffered before diagnose>> pain ratio is FAR higher & consistent than has been. SO NEED TO CHANGE WHAT I DO>>> REST MORE OF TODAY... stop late late phone calls>>>> they might make neurons work too hard perhaps.. gees... just don't know but had pain all thru night again... ... drugs hammer ME... & here goes for cef again... & ROUND TWO OF DAILY DRUGS already taken neon...azith..TT... enuf to kill an army of bacteria... but NOT once in brain...thats taking forever.. BUT IS MAGICAL>> MORE>> IF ONLY LITTLE BITS OF MEMORY HAS RETURNED>> I WAS SO EXCITED & HAPPY>>> SO I KNOW THROUGHOUT THIS NEURO & EAR PAIN MY BRAIN IS CONTINUING HEALING..
n/p0 e/p10 >> 3/1 7/715 >>> wake with NO PAIN AT FIRST BUT TT is on the case of pure WAR... MIGHT BE making me ILL>>> but RENDERS THE BUGLETS COMATOSE.. >>>>EARPAIN HAS COMMENCED AGAIN WITH DRUGS TAKEN OF THIS MORNING>>>> NEON>>>AZITH... & TT is NOW hells fire... & GUESS WHAT?????? got to do CEFTRIAX>>> oh save my SOUL PUHLEASE n/p50 e/p50 >> 4/1 1/716 just the lightest whisper of neuro & earPain am not gonna score the e/p for now but it threatens...is now reacting to first drugs of day.. but less than prev >>> >>> but then is pain good??... does that mean more bugs are dying.. ear/ neuro Pain BAD post Cef... TT is on KILL>>> am supposing n/p0 e/p0 >> 5/1 2/717 wake TOTAL free of PAIN... but have just taken drugs... hold fire..for now... is TT now WINNING -pain ratio is from later.. terribly upset by hosp.
n/p10 e/p0 >> 6/1
3/718 wake no pain... as yest.. just slight neuro not going to diary
thank own God .. have much work to do....TODAY.
enceph later ... n/p0 e/p0 >> 7/1 4/719 wake with neuro but not severe as has been ... still on TT .. with milder earPain & got days wrong yest... did say it was day 717when it was 718.... & today day 4 Thursday of 719.... only thing did know for sure is that 14th is the day,, & that because of drug stopping for 5 & because 2008 was leap year this affects numeracy of count will be day 4/726 AND the freaky thing of all was the sigNif day of piccLine being 6/666 .. i do believe there are things that are just so fateful by hands of destiny that only own God has control >>> eh other than the obvious he of call sign of piccLine day... & Lizzie has nutting to do with him.. ENCEPH BAD OF LATER n/p0 e/p0 >> 8/1 5/720 NO PAIN ON WAKENING... ENCEPH GONE.. BUT AFFECTED SLEEP UNTIL IT SUBSIDED >>>> but now is good... will take last TT this morn & then stop. PROVIDED THERE IS NO EAR PAIN ENCEPH AGAIN OF LATE stopped TT... see if it goes... now e/p has settled.. n/p0 e/p0 >> 9/1 6/721 .......NO PAIN ON WAKENING but pattern is now down to total power of TT... gone is earPain sssssSSSSSSSSH>>. neuro has been enceph type later of a day .. result of much war from potent antibx TT taking ALL others across BBB on destruct of buglets.. ENCEPH TYPE PAIN LATER n/p0 e/p0 >> 10/1 7/722..... wale no pain but real tired Had enceph to deal with again. late last night... Sleep disturbed. TT ALWAYS silences all EAR & NEURO PAIN but it took much longer this time. 4days on wakening no pain... but had enceph much... am thinkin this happened before... must be dying bugs.. ie neuro toxins cause enceph.. hence reason ALWAYS had before treatment BUGS would BE CONSTANTLY generating toxins.. as they multiplied unhindered.. & now the action of TT stuns them to open for antiBx to kill....but when they open under fire they also replicate.>>> some enceph pain LATER IN DAY...
n/p0 e/p0 >> 11/1
1/723. wake no pain... TT works does it not>>> am still suffering
much AND ny brain is so TIRED... it needs so much SLEEP... never gets
enuf...>>>>> from building endorfs & working for others my body
ditto NEEDING REST...... today emotional... actual DAY...
been going to woh hosp for two years... & nobody does compre... am so
tired of everythin'... it HAS taken great STRENGTH to do what I
DO..physical & emotional>>>>>
I question all
this being real you get betta... x n/p0 e/p0 >> 12/1 2/724. on wakening no pain.. enceph really severe later... & some ear pain.. (both ears...) n/p0 e/p0 >> 13/1 3/725. first wee while of wakening no pain... but enceph back.. & feel real ill.. am thinkin' the inflammation from eye treatment triggers in greater severity...enceph has been with since controlling of ear pain & pressure neuro by taking TT antibX>>> it seems to take away one type of pain but end up with more enceph.. a migrating evil cold dense pain deep within... on lighter note... the sea was well rough yest... & I Lizzie was unphazed.. it did NOT make me sea sick>>> sea sickness was ALL to do with high levels of infection within my brain am SURE>>> .. cef wiped out hells own livenchenko effect poisoning .. ditto travel sickness. ENCEPH muvh of day increasing LATER n/p10 e/p0 >> 14/1 4/726 wake with neuro Pain is TWO YEARS...of cef to DATE...14/01/08>>> 14 months of this same piccLine.. from 14/11/08is most signiF of days...SSSSSssssssssH please..... all of this past month... has just completely affected way too much... & with all of emotion breaking own heart....... but then why should it matter to anyone but me... ENCEPH LATER (day 726 count affected by cessation of drugs -5>> + 1 leap year 08) n/p0 e/p0 >> 15/1 5/727 light enceph on wakening... later more enceph but LIGHTER n/p0 e/p0 >> 16/1 6/728 no pain on wakening. enceph later... lighter n/p50 e/p0 >> 17/1 7/729 no pain on wakening. >>> much NEURO PAIN LATER in day..>>>> got viral infection probably a cold.... enceph gone n/p0 e/p0 >> 18/1 1/730 no pain on wakening. neuro & ENCEPH LATER n/p0 e/p0 >> 19/1 2/731 no pain on wakening. ENCEPH LATER n/p0 e/p0 >> 20/1 3/732 no pain on wakening.>>>my brain gets tired I GET ENCEPH... otherwise would be DOING GOOD WOULD I NOT... & am thinkin' enceph plays havoc with photo memory & instant recall.. & my new piccLine cover did try for only 5 mins last night... but is not working is too big... this is making me real sad.. I need to find another LITTLE ENCEPH// later.../ cos am giving my brain what it craves... am SLEEPING MUCH... nutttin at all got done yest evening. did swim... did spend time with fifi & gm about hell of happenings... THEN WENT HOME AND SLEPT FOR 14 hours... & I NEED MORE... n/p0 e/p0 >> 21/1 4/733 ABSA NO PAIN ON WAKENING OR LATER.... AM PAIN FREE.... NO ENCEPH no neuro no nuttin .... just brain tired.. n/p0 e/p0 >> 22/1 5/734 NO PAIN on wakening n/p0 e/p5 >> 23/1 6/735 NO PAIN on wakening & so I FORGOT physical pain diary.. coz own emo pain is way too great... earPain returned tonight.... sharp hot warning that babesia... or is it borrelia is still there... deep in brain... will soon need TT... had NO EAR PAIN SINCE.. 4th day of jan
n/p0 e/p0 >> 24/1 7/736 wake light neuro... not going to rate..EAR PAIN intermittent severe.. began TT n/p0 e/p0 >> 25/1 1/737 no pain on wakening... on TT from lastnight.. earpain kicked off during week end.. the most hellish of all have decided... worse than headpain>>>...ie neuro OR enceph.. YET BOTH ARE ALSO HELL... but earpain is so ACUTE>>> just makes me scream out with ferocity of attack... decided NOT to leave this time.. hit back from start TT on the case.... but taking all of drugs is nightmare.. somehow am managing...thanx to own God. EarPain intermittent acute> n/p0 e/p0 >> 26/1 2/738 no pain on wakening still on TT n/p0 e/p0 >> 27/1 3/739 no pain on wakening... but then can't be sure coz WAS STILL sleepin'>> game is called lets pretend am awake...earPain >>> lessening with TT>>>>. CEF HANGOVER MANIFESTS.. am drinking much water... & fruit juice...smoothies... earl grey TEA...(WHAT)>>> EVERYTHING... but not COFFEE.. or alcohol... (OK)>>>> is Lizzie not GOOD... YES AM SO... n/p0 e/p0 >> 28/1 4/740 wake pain free of neuro GOT HANGOVER TYPE HEADACHE... am DRINKING MUCH WATER... TO HELP clear.... & TAKEN PARACET.. n/p0 e/p0 >> 29/1 5/741>> no pain of neuro... all ok... this morn HANGOVER THRU NIGHT CEF cont...longest EVER. .n/p0 e/p0 >> 30/1 6/742> no pain.on wakening.... slightest of neuro. TT stopped... all of earpain gone.. AND HANGOVER TOO...feel much better.. .n/p0 e/p0 >> 31/1 7/743> no pain on wakening... BUT EARPAIN BACK TODAY... on TT BY INSTANT RETURN... only got 3 days clear of ep but TT works... but is a lot for me to be taking... I do protect own body good against all side effects of drugs.. .n/p0 e/p0 >> 1/2 1/744> no pain on wakening... no earpain... but TT is on the case again... & combined with other drugs is POWERFUL & I got to take great care or side effects manifest.. ..not take exercise at same time as drugs... IS DISASTER TO DO SO>>>>> ALSO GOT TO TAKE WITH PLENTY FOOD>> .n/p0 e/p0 >> 2/2 2/745> no pain on wakening but gonna have to cut out on TT today developing gut probs.. had this before when on overload with drugs>>>it is in COMBINE WITH EXERCISE WORK TEACHING OTHERS is enuf to do it.. cannot be active when these drugs are taken.. MUST TAKE LOADS OF FOOD WITH TOO & yet I NEED TT... it is silencing the acute earPain. n/p0 e/p0 >> 3/2 3/746> no pain wakening... enceph last night... & had a little earPain yest... MILDER cos of TT... not acute.. have stopped TT>>>.. want to see what happens.. let side effects settle.. n/p0 e/p0 >> 4/2 4/747> enceph last night... BAD... but short lived... EAR Pain this morning gonna need TT again... does work like magic bullet... but don't want to be taking for too long as get side effects from all other drugs then. coz it UPS potency of all in BRAIN n/p5e/p0 >> 4/2 5/748> no pain wakening but had earPain yest.. so recording with green this morn... but only a little... had more neuroP lastnight too have diaried same this morn.. altho it was of late late last..>>>. holding own just... still off the TT (low grade EAR>>> Pain thru out day....... plus enceph... LATER last night) n/p30e/p0 >> 6/2 6/749 no pain on wakening.. BUT MUCH INTENSE ENCEPH LAST NIGHT.. BUT LOWER EAR PAIN>>. stayin off TT... FOR NOW ... ENCEPH BAD LATER
n/p10 e/p0 >> 7/2 7/750>>> pain on wakening BUT NO SLEEP>>> all because took phone call from sis late.. & MY NEURONS CANNOT cope>>> I want to speak too.. coz am never home only chance do get BUT is not good for me. don't know what to do. (ENCEPH LATE) n/p50 e/p0 >> 8/2 1/751 wake with pain... neuro... & enceph>>> but did go OUT... high into the hills... early... then did SS WORK... hosp... & NAUSEA BAD...is it dying BUGS.. or is it DRUG... isn't always like this... so WHY TODAY..& I CRY>>>have had ENUF OF EVERYTHING.... GO AWAY PLEASE... just leave me alone to CRY... cause IF ITS SO RARE>>> why did I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO GET BITTEN... TO GET SICK... TO LOSE MUCH TO NeuroB.. to suffer hell... OWN GOD I NEED THE ANSWER...?? n/p0 e/p0 >> 9/2 2/752 no pain on wakening... GOOD. n/p0 e/p0 >> 10/2 3/753 no pain on wakening... GOOD tiny bit of neuro pressure later.. not GONNA RATE IT.... n/p0 e/p0 >> 11/2 4/754 no pain on wakening... GOOD. sigNif day is Sunday 15/25... day do share with Sn & DD... cos both were there on DAY 1>>> when cef began FIGHT to save my life... & is approp that it is Valentines day... the anniV of my own love Affair with CeftriaX.... THANK GOD FOR...x SOME HEARTS TO YOU n/p5 e/p5 >> 12/2 5/755 woke from profound dreams of subC middle of night... AM SO TIRED... there is no pain... cried myself to sleep>>> >>>>woke 4am... & cried again.. with memory of earpain intermittent... later... & some enceph... n/p5 e/p0 >> 13/2 6/756 some ear pain yest... trying hard to stay focused.. so very upset... did run long distance.. try build endorFs... ...... this alien is physically way too strong... but emotionally fragile of this day.. n/p0 e/p0 14/2 7/757 wake sort of OK... had pain late yest.. bit tired.. is 15/25 & nobody has a scooby what I mean... but it is so SigniF to ME... neuroPain late last n/p100 e/p100 >> 15/2 1/758 no pain wakening LATER neuroPain & earPain are BACK... both SEVERE>>> making me so SICK... ON TT FROM TONIGHT... n/p20 e/p20 >> 16/2 2/759 some NEURO Pain.. EAR PAIN LATER... n/p20 e/p0 >> 17/2 3/760 some NEURO Pain.>>> did stop TT after 2 days not near enf will need to recommence... am ALONE... am TIRED... AM SCARED...ssssssSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHH got most horrific pain tonight ... is preventing SLEEP n/p100 e/p100 >> 18/2 4/761 TOO MUCH ON MIND.... FORGOT.LITTLE SUB DIARY.. .. AM FRETTING ABOUT EVERYTHING.. & SUFFERING WAY TOO MUCH PAIN... infact why do I even bother WRITING THIS DIARY>>>> cos AM STILL ILL... >>>& ALL ALONE & ILL..& when am asked about PAIN am telling nobody how bad it has been... is... CAUSE YES I AM SCARED neuroB is on ATTACK... AGAIN... oh F--- OFF... & own GOD IS SO NOT GONNA LiKE THAT... n/p50 e/p25 >> 19/2 5/762 WAKE WITH PAIN did I say WAKE?? I did not SLEEP to WAKE n/p100e/p100 >> 20/2 6/763 slight pain wakening... slept better... still to do cef... better go will be near lunch ... . but is allowed... still not good... but not swearing... AM SORRY ABOUT... pain SEVERE LATER... have not teken TT CAUSE AM MORE SICK OF DRUGS THAN PAIN OF ATTACK... I JUST CANT DO IT...SO YES JUST GO AWAY LEAVE ME n/p50e/p20 >> 21/2 7/764 Sleep BAD of a night.. this is not good CAUSE CANNOT THINK FOR BUG ATTACK of NEURO PAIN>>>>>>... DON'T WANT TO GO INTO HOSPITAL FOR SURJ... DON'T WANT TO GO LONDON FOR TESTS>>>> DON'T WANT TO DO MORE DRUGS>>> DON'T WANT TO SEE ANOTHER DOCTOR EVER>>>> WANT A NORMAL LIFE BACK.. MINE NO LONGER EXiSTS>>> everyone thinks its easy to do DRUGS... IT IS NOT... >>>>awe forgive... I don't MEANT IT>>> just cannot think
n/p100e/p100>> 22/2 1/765 wake with PAIN... is less severe... but still on attack... on TT of yest,, so dealing with side effects.. real bad earPain & neuro last night... still on TT.. very distressed n/p10e/p5 >> 23/2 2/766 wake with some pain... praying TT is working... but is making me feel sick need much yogurt & proBios with.. keep side effects in check.. but is magic at melitng pain n/p2e/p2>> 24/2 3/767 tired... up so early 4am... but pain reduced greatly thanx to some sleep & strong antiBx... plus TT>>>>> should hope its potency will stop all pain soon.. & YES BRAIN MAP FASCINATING... cause am knowing better what is happening... n/p40e/p2>> 25/2 4/768 slight pain as yest ear>>> more neuro & am gonna pin point area on brain map later for diary as in illustrate. Pain is different>>> ie in dif areas but this is intense & as bullet in brain but not as severe as lived before cef>> n/p10e/p10>> 26/2 5/769 some neuro... some enceph.. no earPain... stopped TT... see if all settles now. more ear pain later>> neuro plus enceph.. n/p100e/p500>> 27/2 6/770 pain less but still has not settled... still off TT >>>:LATER BACK ON TT...earpain severe... plus neuro & enceph n/p500e/p50>> 28/2 7/771 WAKE WITH PAIN.>>> slept thru with BRUTUS..MY ANGEL>>>> NOT PERSON>>>.OK.... . oh gees am I SUFFERING am going crazy with affect on BRAIN be alright if get out in air...GO FOR ENDORFS... try FORGET about & be with own GOD.. n/p20e/p0>> 1/3 1/772 & TT is having EFFECT ALREADY... pain is decimated... but must take care or side effects of drugs will be severe.. some NEURO in AREA OF EMOTION & MEMORY. n/p10e/p5>> 2/3 2/773 mild neuro.. flex of earPain.. not gonna rate. still on TT... BUT HAD MIGRAINE FROM HELL... VISION BLOWN APART FOR ALMOST ONE HOUR.. COULD NOT DRIVE HOME FROM WORK TILL IT SETTLED THEN CRASHED OUT ON TOP OF LITTLE BED>> & SLEPT>>> NOPE NOT EVEN IN PJs>>> way too SICK.. n/p0 e/p0 >>>3/3 3/774 n/p5 e/p5 >>>>>4/3 4/775 well my neuro diary has been forgotten... coz am just too brain tired>> getting everything wrong... had ear pain today.. & neuro... enceph later.. under attack.. still. LATER earPain evident... even with TT... but has been more tenacious past few attacks.. but TT does win thru in the end... AS LONG AS I STAY STRONG ENUF TO FIGHT SIDE EFFECTS... so have RATED OF A NIGHT... & ENCEPH is bad... but look on bright side got no neuro at the moment.. some pain... NEURO on wakening no earpain... still on TT... had much NAUSEA yest... not enuf proBios... or drugs taken too close togetha... but sometimes is not poss to divide doses>>>... cos got to be taken with food... & don't want to eat when feel sick.. n/p10 e/p0 >>>>>5/3 5/776 got neuro.. trying to cope.. got too much & now got to go hosp... I WANT TO SCREAM just stress... NEED TO BE ON MY OWN TOTAL SOON n/p1000 e/p0 >>>>>6/3 6/777 SEVERE NEURO in NIGHT... SLEPT GOOD EXCEPTING PAIN... BUT WAS SO VERY VERY TIRED I DID MANAGE DEEP SLEEP SO DISTRESSED IN MORN... NEED MUCH MORE MED HELP AM TERRIFIED>>> this has never happened before. n/p0e/p20 >>>>>7/3 7/778 wake with earPain... no neuro... have had to stop TT was SO ILL ALL OF YEST... did need DOCTOR... but didn't see. n/p0e/p0 >>>>>8/3 1/779 wake (eh excuse >>>did not sleep)//// no neuro pain in head... but plenty in heart.. n/p0e/p0 >>>>>9/3 2/780 did sleep good but need MORE. & finally all of drug assault this past while has paid off & given 2 conSec days painFREE of neuro... & ear... just feeling incred run down as been fighting virus attack... had horrific sore throat but now seems to be going. HAD to be viral because all drugs of antibx should see off bacterial. n/p0e/p0 >>>>>10/3 3/781 enceph of last... was real tired... this morn no pain on wakening..
e/p GREEN = earpain of a daiy n/p = constant sore to severe pressure pain OR enceph ice cold migrating pain movement (*mark in red ENCeph --later entries to diary so I KNOW when) e/p = acute flickers (sometimes longer lasting) severe pain radiates from deep in ear... BOTH before treatment were severe & intense.. PIK AXE BRAIN... excrutiating.. affected balance.. dizzy etc.. nausea ... like constant sea sickness.. earpain was relentless
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